my life's current playlist
My friend Zeena posted a blog entry about me last week. i was deeply touched and bothered at the same time. I realized that my friends were actually worried about me– which prompted me to pour my heart out in this post … read on…
"my life's current playlist…"
“ If I’m not in love with you… what is this I’m going through…?”
I woke up one morning and realized that for the first time in my life, I was in love. I was already expecting the butterflies; the chocolates and roses kind of emotions that will keep my head in the clouds for days but what I did not expect was the deep ache that literally hurt my chest. I hugged my pillow and I felt that I was bursting yet I also felt so empty inside. Tears wanted to well up but at the same time I was feeling so drained that my eyes couldn’t even manage a drop.
“ I love you … you didn’t feel the same …”
Then I realized that I was feeling one of the most common yet cruel forms of love: the unrequited kind.
“Out of reach, so far I never had your heart…”
I knew from the start that this man is out of my league. I knew that we really don’t have anything in common. I knew that being with him is impossible and that I could just love him from afar. But a year ago, fate had other plans. It brought us together in the most unexpected way. I was thrilled of course because he was my ultimate crush and just getting to know him a little bit more was definitely something. He was just suddenly in my life surprising everyone especially me but he was also gone so suddenly that I was not able to feel any major loss. I was able to convince myself that his presence was just a temporary indulgence. I was not affected that much because I barely knew him. I was okay.
“You know I’m such a fool for you,
You got me wrapped around your finger,
Do you have to let it linger…?
But fate was not that kind. It brought us together again and again but it was not the typical ‘dating slash flirting’ period. It dragged on for more than a year with him being the constant inconsistency in my life. Here now, gone tomorrow. Repeat. Each time he appears, I was subconsciously falling a little deeper. That was the drama.
“Maybe it’s wrong to say please love me too coz’ I know you’ll never do’
Being the cynical & intelligent person that I am, I lectured myself a million times about him. I repeatedly told myself not to expect anything because I am 99 percent sure that he won’t really shape up. My motto was to expect the worst so that I’ll be able to appreciate the good little things when they happen. I was my own devil’s advocate and it’s really uncanny because most of the time, the advices I get from my friends are the exact same things that I tell myself.
“Because I’d still say yes to you again… darling for you I’ll do it over and over again”
But there are times when I just drop all these logical ideas and just go on with what my feelings tell me, what makes me happy. The difference is that I’m entering this situation with my eyes; mind; and heart wide open, knowing that hurt is inevitable. I am trying to derive pleasure from what I can get in the moment without kidding myself that a happily ever after awaits me. I know that I am doing this more for myself than for him. I don’t refuse to see reason, I see the obvious what-to-dos oh so very clearly but I chose not to heed them not to be difficult but to be happy.
“You are the one thing that keeps me smiling…I’m lost in space without you”
My friends are actually worried about my actions because they don’t want me to get hurt. I appreciate that. So much. This is the reason why I want to tell them that hey, don’t worry about me coz’ I am happy. He makes me happy. Believe it or not, even with all the hurting. I really am.
"Someday someone’s gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someone’s gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
Someday someday"
"my life's current playlist…"
“ If I’m not in love with you… what is this I’m going through…?”
I woke up one morning and realized that for the first time in my life, I was in love. I was already expecting the butterflies; the chocolates and roses kind of emotions that will keep my head in the clouds for days but what I did not expect was the deep ache that literally hurt my chest. I hugged my pillow and I felt that I was bursting yet I also felt so empty inside. Tears wanted to well up but at the same time I was feeling so drained that my eyes couldn’t even manage a drop.
“ I love you … you didn’t feel the same …”
Then I realized that I was feeling one of the most common yet cruel forms of love: the unrequited kind.
“Out of reach, so far I never had your heart…”
I knew from the start that this man is out of my league. I knew that we really don’t have anything in common. I knew that being with him is impossible and that I could just love him from afar. But a year ago, fate had other plans. It brought us together in the most unexpected way. I was thrilled of course because he was my ultimate crush and just getting to know him a little bit more was definitely something. He was just suddenly in my life surprising everyone especially me but he was also gone so suddenly that I was not able to feel any major loss. I was able to convince myself that his presence was just a temporary indulgence. I was not affected that much because I barely knew him. I was okay.
“You know I’m such a fool for you,
You got me wrapped around your finger,
Do you have to let it linger…?
But fate was not that kind. It brought us together again and again but it was not the typical ‘dating slash flirting’ period. It dragged on for more than a year with him being the constant inconsistency in my life. Here now, gone tomorrow. Repeat. Each time he appears, I was subconsciously falling a little deeper. That was the drama.
“Maybe it’s wrong to say please love me too coz’ I know you’ll never do’
Being the cynical & intelligent person that I am, I lectured myself a million times about him. I repeatedly told myself not to expect anything because I am 99 percent sure that he won’t really shape up. My motto was to expect the worst so that I’ll be able to appreciate the good little things when they happen. I was my own devil’s advocate and it’s really uncanny because most of the time, the advices I get from my friends are the exact same things that I tell myself.
“Because I’d still say yes to you again… darling for you I’ll do it over and over again”
But there are times when I just drop all these logical ideas and just go on with what my feelings tell me, what makes me happy. The difference is that I’m entering this situation with my eyes; mind; and heart wide open, knowing that hurt is inevitable. I am trying to derive pleasure from what I can get in the moment without kidding myself that a happily ever after awaits me. I know that I am doing this more for myself than for him. I don’t refuse to see reason, I see the obvious what-to-dos oh so very clearly but I chose not to heed them not to be difficult but to be happy.
“You are the one thing that keeps me smiling…I’m lost in space without you”
My friends are actually worried about my actions because they don’t want me to get hurt. I appreciate that. So much. This is the reason why I want to tell them that hey, don’t worry about me coz’ I am happy. He makes me happy. Believe it or not, even with all the hurting. I really am.
"Someday someone’s gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someone’s gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
Someday someday"
Comments
Post a Comment